Dorothy Parker famously (but probably not really) said, “I hate to write, but I love having written,” which is a sentiment I don’t largely understand or agree with in the broader sense, but certainly have experienced during a kick-to-the-nuts writing day where the words arrive with the effort of trying to do proctology on a stampeding horse while both you and the horse are blindfolded. But as it turns out, there’s a sort of third level to this notion, one altogether more troubling and ultimately even less understandable: “I hate to write, I hate to have written, I mostly just want to be published.” Or, “I really just want to have money.” Or, “I actually want to just use as few keystrokes as possible to make my computer barf up stolen artistic authorial valor onto the internet in the hopes of charging absolute rubes a couple bucks for the narrative puke I hastily urged into a book-shaped pile.”
What I’m trying to say is, I read that NYT article about author — sorry, “author,” with airquotes as pissily vigorous as you can make them — Coral Hart, a self-proclaimed ugggh “AI evangelist” who over the last year has made AI churn out over 200 novels across nearly two dozen pen-names.*
Reading that makes me feel so angry and so sad at the same time — some combination of fury and weary sorrow for which the Germans must have a word. It’s hard to even articulate my objection, I’m so grossed-out by that — I wasn’t even sure I could mount a cogent response to any of this that didn’t end up as just angry mouth noises and erratic gesticulations. (Which is better, one supposes, than geriatic ejaculations.) Mostly I just want to post a series of photos depicting the faces I’m making, which likely run the gamut of “trying to hold back my rising gorge” and “watching a lion eat a human baby” and “kill me kill me now all of time and all of technology and this is where we ended up oh god just go back in time and end it all before it ever began.”
So, instead, I thought I’d tackle one particular thing Coral Hart (which is itself a pseudonym, since retired) said, and it’s this:
“If I can generate a book in a day, and you need six months to write a book, who’s going to win the race?” she said.
Ahhhhh. What the fuck. Ahhhhhh. AHHHH. That’s not — that’s not how any of this works, Coral! But this smug “winner” attitude is the absolutely natural apotheosis of the Internet’s obsession with churning out content. Generic, shapeless, formless content — a slurry machine where you turn the pipe on and lorum ipsum diarrhea comes shooting out at maximum pressure. It is the natural outcome of a race-to-the-bottom low-price churn-and-burn self-publishing environment, to boot — it’s less move fast and break things and more move fast and make broken things, because who cares, dipshits will pay for it.
This is the equivalent of, “Well, if I can blow up a cow with dynamite in ten minutes, but you need three hours to butcher it, who’s going to win the race?”
But of course, in the quote — a quote which is itself a cocky, smug assertion of superiority based purely on speed — is buried a greater, uglier truth.
If I can generate a book in a day–
and you need six months to write a book–
She’s not writing anything.
And she knows that.
She’s “generating” it.
Intrinsic to this is, “ha ha, you dumbass, over there still writing books like an asshole, whereas me, I just use a computer to do it for me.”
Except, intrinsic to that is the reality that the computer didn’t make that stuff up either. You know who did? We did. Actual authors. Real writers! We wrote the stuff, the fascist techbro fuckwads stole what we wrote, and then ticks and leeches like Coral Fucking Hart are happy to drink the blood those monsters have already stolen from us. She is churning out 200 books a year not out of the ether, but by drilling into the ground and drawing up the juice of an infinity of other books**, all stolen, all turned to narrative petroleum to fuel her fantasy of being a real writer.
And that is a fantasy.
Because Coral Hart is not a real writer.
Coral Hart is an opportunistic vampire — a thief, a grifter, a lazy pick-me.
She’s not even a master vampire. No, the master vampires are the ones who built this plagiarism machine. She’s just a ghoulish neonate, a feral bloodsucker down in the sewers happy to feed on the blood-soaked fatberg formed in the tunnels by the elder lords.
She’s a “writer” the same way I’m a “chef” when I pull a frozen dinner out of the fucking microwave. Someone else did all the work and packaged it together. I just hit the buttons and set the time.
So, to remind you:
Writers who use AI —
Are not real writers.
And this comes after years, years where Authorial Discourse has worked very hard to build all these fences in order to define who gets to be a Real Writer — and up until this point, all those fences have been false, bullshit borders. They’re illusions. I’ve long said that the test is so, so simple: real writers write. That’s it. That’s what it takes to be a writer.
Writers write.
And writers who use AI?
They’re not writing, are they?
They’re churning. They’re clicking buttons. They’re stealing. They’re plagiarizing.
But they’re not writing.
And they don’t even want to be writers. Because if they wanted to be writers, guess what? They’d fucking write! They’d want to write! Because writing, even on the worst day, the hardest day, is glorious. Even when the words suck and you break your teeth from grinding them so hard, it’s still a powerful, formative experience where you take all that you know and have been and have dreamed and are afraid of — you take all of that and you turn it into something else. You crystallize it. You coalesce it. You turn all this stuff that exists invisibly in your mind and make it visible on the page, inventing new people and new worlds and strange situations and you reach for revelations about love and hate and jealousy and all the ideas both big and small. You take nothing and you make something.
So powerful.
But AI acolytes don’t do any of that.
They wait for you to do it, sure.
Then they stick their greedy teeth in and tear off a piece.
The saying goes, why would I want to read something you didn’t even bother to write, but then we must also ask, why do THEY want to do it? Why does someone want to publish something they didn’t write, didn’t conceive of, didn’t edit, didn’t gestate, didn’t birth forth across amazing and frustrating writing sessions? Because it’s all just a get-rich-quick scheme. That’s it, revealed. Coral Hart gave up the game. She doesn’t want to write.
She just wants to generate, just wants to get paid, get that money, so fuck writers, fuck readers, fuck you.
Real writers don’t use AI.
That’s the red line.
* It’s unclear if she even makes much money at it, but she does make money teaching you how to make money at it, which is a profound irony and ultimately ends up being one of those get-rich-quick schemes where you see an ad in the paper telling you how to make all this money stuffing envelopes but what you’re stuffing the envelopes with is the exact same information you got about making money stuffing envelopes, which is to say you’re charging people money to tell them secretly that you’re scamming them and now they can scam other people too, an endless human centipede of shit being passed down the line, ass to mouth, mouth to ass.
** Note too the absolute gall she has to act cocky as fuck about this when she’s using Anthropic’s Claude, which was verifiably built on stolen books, including mine, and has been proven through a class-action suit!
Anyway!
Buy my books! A human wrote them! (Ahem: me.) Humans edited them. Humans designed them inside and out. Humans helped sell and market them, both at a publisher and at a bookstore. You could even gasp order my newest, my demonic novel, The Calamities, coming out in August. I’ll even, as a human, sign it and personalize it and tell you who your DEMONIC PROGENITOR secretly is. Do it. Preorder it. Make us humans happy, please and thank you.
